Henry's Songbook

I went into a restaurant as hungry as a bear
And like a raving maniac I grabbed the bill of fare
The waiter said, What will you have? Give me a steak, I cried
He took the order, bowed his head, and slowly walked away

And he never came back, he never came back
Though I waited an hour or more
His face I will break, if he don't bring that steak
When we meet on that heavenly shore

A country boy from off the farm came in to see a town
He registered at Smith's Hotel as Mr. Jackson Brown
A country boy, we all admit, with whiskers green as grass
Pulled off his shoes, jumped into bed, and then blew out the gas

And he never came back, he never came back
And as they broke down the door
The last words he said just before he dropped dead
Was, We'll meet on the heavenly shore

I went into a circus show, I took my mother-in-law
She laughed at everything she saw till she nearly broke her jaw
Nearby I saw a big balloon which proved to be my friend
I threw her in, I cut the rope, and up she did ascend

And she never came back, she never came back
Though we waited a twelvemonth or more
And there's one thing I know, I will go down below
If we meet on the heavenly shore

(as sung by Alex Campbell)