Henry's Songbook

Why did I ever become a footba' referee
I coulda been an engineer or a sailor on the sea
Whenever there is a fault to find they always pick on me
Why did I ever become a footba' referee

I used tae play at center half when I was very young
And sticking out for fair play I never could hold my tongue
The men at the top were watching and they quickly spotted me
They said, Now there is a decent man we'll make him a referee

When first I took my whistle out I did feel very proud
I played it like a fluter and I smiled at all the crowd
I gave them two decisions then I heard a terrible boo
For fifty thousand voices roared, Coconuts to you

When Rangers played the Celtic I was stuck oot on the field
I'd only been there a minute or two when the crowd began to squeal
The half o' them said, He's a Fenian wi' a heart to Ireland
The others said, He's a blue-nose and he's had the shake o' the hand

The game had run on half an hour when two began tae fight
I tried tae separate them and tae tell them who was right
They bashed me and they battered me and they left me nearly lame
The crowd all roared, Go bury him and let's get on wi' the game

They brought me o'er to Italy as a very honoured guest
Between Milan and Roma I did my level best
But the crowd they didnae fancy me I could tell by the way they squealed
They'd to bring a helicopter in to get me aff a' the field