Henry's Songbook

There once was an old alcoholic
Who lived at the top of oor road
His behaviour was real diabolic
He never left till he was throwed
Out of every pub in the district
And his doctor said, See, if you don't stop
Inside six months at the latest
You will definitely be for the chop

Now, this scared the old man stupid
So he never went back tae a pub
But the funny thing was, like - whatever the cause, like
He began tae get drunk on his grub
Now this was a strange situation
If he got a mouthful of tea
Or a bowl of hot soup, his head started to droop
And his wife would say, God, he's away

She said,See that old grocer
I'd like to get him by the hair
He stood that old fool an onion
And now he's away on the tear
D'you know where I found the old geezer
That drunk he could hardly stand
Lyin' across a deep-freezer
Wi' a hamburger clutched in his hand

He soon fell into bad company
'Cause he met an old fool like hissel'
Who'd get rotten on jelly and custard
And whatever he could steal aff the shelf

The poor Chinese waiters would worry
They knew what to expect
When your men hit the chow-mein and curry
They knew the place would get wrecked
They were soon known all round the district
And even I thought it was hard
One night they went for a fish supper
And the lassie said, Sorry - you're barred

Then one night they just overdid it
They had two pies over the eight
They borrowed a car to get home, like
For they knew they were terrible late
Of course, who stops them - a policeman
Who started to shout and to barge
He said, You've both done it this time
You're arrested for being drunk in charge

The old yin stood up in the court, like
And he said, We've got this rap bate
You've made out the charge sheet all wrong, pal
We weren't drunk, we were ate
You can still see them most Sunday mornings
Banging the grocer's back door
Standin' aboot wi' their tongues hangin' oot
And waitin' tae get in for the cure

As spoken by Iain MacKintosh