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Fifty Pence

  • Trad

    I met a girl the other night, she smiled and gave me hope
    She stayed when all the rest had gone, the music had all stopped
    So I took her to a restaurant, the finest in the street
    She said she wasnae hungry, but this is what she ate
    Three plates of soup, two melons, a pound and a half of roast
    Some Irish stew, potatoes too, and then some beans on toast
    Next she tried some oysters fried, her appetite was immense
    She asked for pie, I thought I'd die for I just had fifty pence

    And when the food was finished she smiled so very sweet
    Said she wasn't hungry, and she wished that she could eat
    And when she called the waiter back my heart began to sink
    She said she wasn't thirsty but she showed me how to drink
    Three whiskies, two vodkas, twenty pints of beer
    Fourteen brandies, thirteen gins, quickly disappeared
    Four pints of Guinness followed, she astonished all the gents
    She called for more, I fell on the floor for I just had fifty pence

    And then this delicate little lass cleaned out the ice-cream can
    And said, Now Iain, I'll tell my mum you're such a nice young man
    She said she'd bring her sister too next time she came, for fun
    I gave the waiter my fifty pence, and this is what he done
    He stood on my toes, broke my nose, knocked me out of breath
    My two black eyes were worth a prize, he kicked me half to death
    He pulled me out the restaurant, he threw me o'er the rail
    And that was when the polis came and took me to the gaol

    So if I don't smile back tonight, girls, use your common sense
    You know I'm only thinking of my experience
    But I'm feeling rather hungry, so I wouldn't take offence
    If you took me to a restaurant, I've just got fifty pence

    (as sung by Iain MacKintosh)

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