Henry's Songbook

I've been taking advice on the right things tae eat
Since shortly before I was born
Frae the national dried milk and the cod liver oil
Tae powdered rhinoceros horn
In they days they'd tell us tae lay aff the starches
The sugar, potatoes and breid
Now they've done a U-turn, tell us breid and potatoes
Will give us the fibre we need

So I've made up my mind that the menues designed
By the experts just arenae for me
Nae trained dietician or general practitioner
Dictates what I'll have for my tea
Brown bread with the low fat paste thinly spread on
May be healthier than a meat pie
But who wants tae grow old eating St Ivel Gold
I would raither taste butter and die

Cholesterol, Cholesterol
My chance o' surviving is small
But I'll no' get a dose o' anorexia nervosa
'Cause I love my cholesterol

Now the thing that has brought this affair tae a head
Is a good hearted Glasgow campaign
I just said 'What's that?' and the doc had his needle
Sucking blood oot the handiest vein
Two weeks later they measured my height and my weight
And took my blood pressure and all
A computer said 'Mate, tae survive at your weight
You would need to be seven feet tall'

But I'm not gonnae take the suggestions they make
About changing the way that I eat
Cutting oot cheese and nae chips if you please
Nae chocolate, nae ice cream, nae meat
They tell you to give up these goodies below
And they promise you pie in the sky
Well semi-skimmed milk might diminish my bulk
But I'll take double cream till I die

Cholesterol, Cholesterol
My chance o' surviving is small
The cream I consume that may lead tae my doom
But I love my cholesterol

Now it's a' right for you that smoke 40 a day
And spend every night in the bar
You can tell the health visitor you'll cut it down
She'll say, What a fine fellow you are
But when I tell her I'd never smoked in my life
And I was teetotal tae boot
She says, Go away there is nothing tae dae
You've nae vices that you can cut oot

Now I don't mind them probing in my haemoglobin
If it's just for a case history
But it puts the health visitor intae a tizz
At her duty to try and save me
She says, Fresh fruit and yoghurt's a lovely dessert
Why don't you give it a try
Well I don't gie a hoot for her yoghurt and fruit
I'll have Black Forest gateau and die

Cholesterol, Cholesterol
My chance o' surviving is small
The way that I dine I'm on course for angina
But I love my cholesterol

[1970:] In the same field of gourmet experiment was 'a piece on chips' [or chip butty]. Dieticians would have shuddered at all this starch, but to our palates there was something at once filling and exciting about the flavour of the deep fried potatoes which melted the butter as they were pressed between the slices of buttered bread. [...] We never aspired to a sandwich in the true sense. We never dreamt of meat, or cheese, or eggs, or fish. They were real meals, to be eaten at dinner-time or tea-time, and not lightly to be consumed for fun. No, for between meals it had to be sweet and simple spreads, and all that sugar and treacle and syrup seemed to give us boundless energy for dozens of thrilling, absorbing games which filled the endless leisure hours [of small children]. (Weir 41)

[1996:] Glasgow is recognised as the heart disease capital of the universe. Glasgow doesnae care. [...] The chief function of my singing is to cheer myself up. If I touch on my own problems it is only to laugh at them. (Adam McNaughtan, notes 'Last Stand at Mount Florida')

[1997:] Conflicting health advice about 'the right things to eat'. Adam (who performs the definitive version) gave us permission to edit the original. (Notes McCalmans, 'High Ground')

[1999:] Anorexia nervosa - the relentless pursuit of thinness through self-starvation - is a life-threatening mental illness. It is marked by low self-esteem, denial and preoccupation with food and weight. Bulimia is an equally secretive see-saw illness of bingeing and self-induced vomiting. Estimates of the number of sufferers range from 60,000 to 200,000, one in 10 of whom are now men. For most it originates in adolescence; children as young as 11 have been among the 10 per cent who die either from the effects of starvation or suicide.

The diet of an anorexic can consist almost completely of vegetables. Diuretics, laxatives and amphetamines are all abused by victims. [...] Excessive dieting reflects a great deal of pressure to be thin. The average model or actress is thinner than 90 per cent of the female population. One of the most frightening aspects of eating disorders is that people continue to think they look fat , even when they are bone-thin. The disorders are most successfully treated when diagnosed early. (Observer, 3 Oct)

[2003:] The combined efforts of the pharmaceutical and food industries have done a good job of convincing us that having too much cholesterol floating around our bloodstream is one factor that is sure to speed our demise: only 15 years ago practically no one had heard of cholesterol, and now many individuals seem as fluent with their cholesterol level as their golfing handicap or shoe size. However, [it] appears that cholesterol's reputation as the pre-eminent element in conditions such as heart disease and stroke is under threat. (Dr John Briffa, Observer Magazine 19 Jan)