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Billy the Squid

  • Tom Chapin / John Forster

    In the sagas of under-sea outlaws
    And the great soggy deeds that they did
    The saltiest thief ever swam down a reef
    Was an outlaw named Billy the Squid
    From the Grand Bank he'd stolen sand-dollars
    And escaped on a sea-horse named Sid
    He took from the selfish and gave to the shell-fish
    That great-hearted Billy the Squid

    In the Pink Coral Lounge - that's the sand-bar
    Of the former Miss Lake Champlain
    A beautiful mollusc, a real living dollusc
    Her name it was Clammity Jane
    And the dive was as hard as a barnacle
    It was real barracuda to reign
    Where groopers and grunts pulled unsavoury stunts
    Which was tough on poor Clammity Jane

    One night through the door swam a stranger
    To the corner he squirted and slid
    All the fish in the room grew as hush as a tomb
    When they saw it was - Billy the Squid
    Well he had not come there for a hold-up
    Or for personal criminal gain
    He said, I've come on a mission, I've come here a-fishin'
    I've come for you, Clammity Jane

    He said, Damn it, Clammit, I've hurt you
    I've caused you some pain, this I know
    But before it's too late I'm gonna go straight
    Or as straight as a squid can go
    So he asked for her hand, but she had none
    And to prove it she opened her lid
    She said, How 'bout a foot? And her foot out she put
    It's a beauty, said Billy the Squid

    So he gathered her up in his tentacles
    Into the sunset they rid
    She said to him, clammily, Let's start a family
    Yahoo! said Billy the Squid
    So then they moved to the submarine suburbs
    And when they found that they could not have kids
    She adopted three guppies and four dogfish puppies
    And a whole bunch of clammits and squids

    In the sagas of under-sea outlaws
    And the great soggy deeds that they did
    There's a clam who prevailed where the sheriff had failed
    When she captured bold Billy the Squid

    As sung by Iain MacKintosh

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